


Lingering memories

by berrynthewood



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Communication Issues, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mention of Yoshida Yuuki, Mention of past relationship, Music Creation, dealing with insecurities, healing process, learning about love, lot of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24993490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrynthewood/pseuds/berrynthewood
Summary: "How do you heal someone's heart ?"That's what Uenoyama wonders about every single day he spends with Mafuyu.You can't just put a plaster on it. That's for sure.Even more when you're talking about dead people.Between unspoken past and hidden insecurities, Uenoyama has to deal with many difficulties in his new adventure on the path of love.
Relationships: Satou Mafuyu/Uenoyama Ritsuka
Comments: 7
Kudos: 97
Collections: Given Spring Exchange 2020





	Lingering memories

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kherohi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kherohi/gifts).



> This work is a present for [Kherohi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kherohi/pseuds/Kherohi) for our Given Spring Exchange 2020.
> 
> You asked for some angst and communication issues with a happy ending. I hope this fic will do the job :)
> 
> I'm not a native english speaker but I hope it doesn't show too much here ah ah.
> 
> I wish you a good read !

It should be something simple, dating someone. From Ritsuka's point of view – or more what he could study from the few interactions he witnessed around him – he assumed it was all about three major rules he settled for himself in conclusion.

Here are the basics: being kinda sweet to your partner, listening to him in every circumstances and be the emotional support they need in life.

Surprisingly enough, he finds himself rather invested in doing main couple things. He always thought it would be weird and all but when it's coming to Mafuyu, everything seems so... natural ?

A fond smile, a word of admiration when he's showing great guitar's skills and Uenoyama's world is instantly uspside down.

And God, that first kiss... It was like opening a gate to another universe. Leaving you floating in zero gravity between galaxies. All the light touches are mindblowing too. Hand in hand. Fingers running in soft hair. It's like discovering a new instrument.

Maybe he's totally cut out for this after all.

As for the listening part, he honestly thinks he's doing fine too, even though Mafuyu isn't the talkative kind of guy.

And then comes the third rule.

Ritsuka wants Mafuyu to be happy, needless to say. But there's still something wrong in the equation.

They didn't come from the same starting line. Mafuyu was already walking for some time on the path of love and Ritsuka is now trying to catch up at full speed, breathlessly. And on his way, he's stumbling on fences high as mountains.

Yoshida Yuuki.

He's one of them. And he's like the Everest. Something too scary to climb to the top because you know it won't leave you unscatthered. The almighty first one.

Ritsuka doesn't even think about trying to compare himself to him. He doesn't have the pretention to do so. It's not the issue anyway. All of this was in the past.

Instead, he's trying to put Mafuyu's pieces together and to provide something different.

To be honest, he just wishes he could erase all the bad memories from his boyfriend's head and take him back to the starting line with him. Although he doesn't know much about the details of their relationship. Just that its end seemed to have scarred Mafuyu deeply. Sentencing him to a painful silence.

And it's so damn frustrating because, how do you heal someone's heart ?

You can't just put a plaster on it.

Maybe he's being paranoid but he almost could feel the lingering presence of that mysterious ex. When Mafuyu is suddenly spacing out. When he's spending some time with his childhood friends.

When he's singing.

He's always somewhere. In the tight space between them. Like a background noise sleeping under Mafuyu's lyrics.

Ritsuka had secretly prayed for being the new subject of his next song. He couldn't help it. He selfishly wants to be the only one filling his thoughts. Replacing the pain by something new. He wishes for Mafuyu to be able to express his brand new love with his music. To voice his happiness out.

But some things aren't so easy to forget.

“Maybe you should bend your finger more like this.”

It's one of those many private sessions where Ritsuka is teaching new chords to the boy, polishing his skills. The usual late afternoon before practice, with Kedama waving his tail near them and staring hungrily at the food Ritsuka brought over.

He's facing Mafuyu and his crimson Gibson, grabbing his boyfriend's index between his thumb and index.

“Try it again.”

Mafuyu complies, fingertips strong against the strings while his other hand strums the instrument. The sound echoes in the small room, clear and flawless.

“Good !” Ritsuka nods, satisfied. His progress are baffling those days and he can't help but feeling quite proud about it. He's catching up, that's for sure.

The boy lays down his guitar to look into his partner's eyes.

“Uenoyama-kun, did you read the new lyrics I sent you ?”

And Ritsuka falters a bit.

_Ah. Yes. The lyrics._

He's been thinking about how to approach things since he first saw them. His old self would've landed a frontal attack but his current self felt more like walking on landmines.

“Yes, of course...” He says, scratching his head nervously. “Are they... definitive ?”

“Mmh, not completely but I guess that's the direction I'm taking.” Mafuyu answers, tilting his head slightly. The beginning of a worried frown appears on his face when he adds: “Are they bad ?”

_Of course not. They're always so perfect._

Heart-wrenching and full of so many emotions. Leaving you with goosebumps all over your skin. Flooding like a torrent.

Drowning you.

_Because they are about him again, right ?..._

Ritsuka swallows the weight bothering his throat, knocking it down to his stomach.

“It's just that... I barely skimmed them y'know ? Maybe I need some time to look at it properly,” he lies, immediately slapping himself internaly.

He can't do it. In addition to the topic being delicate, he already swore he would support the vocalist through every new piece he would like to create. Whatever the subject.

Mafuyu glances at him curiously, noticing his boyfriend's scrunched face. “Are you alright ?”

Ritsuka sighs loudly and stretches his arms up, faking tiredness, before shuffling his boyfriend's hair with a hand.

No need to dwell on this.

 _It will pass_ , thinks Ritsuka.

His expression softens and a smile curls his lips up.

“Yeah, let's pack up and head to the studio.”

Mafuyu and him almost never fight. They argue about music, right, but it's just because Ritsuka knows he's damn picky and Mafuyu does have the spirit to voice his own thoughts about it. But it never lasts long. They're talking through it fair and square and then move on. Compromises.

It's different when it comes to delicate topics because Ritsuka's brain doesn't know how to handle them. Basically he just discards them. Or fights them. Because that's his personnality and he assumes it entirely.

But sweeping his problems under a carpet is a new side Ritsuka recently discovered about himself. Or more like bottling them until they explode. Eventually.

The big issue here, is that his playing is always influenced by his current mood.

When Ritsuka is upset, it shows. Even more during practice.

They're working on the new song, arranging its instrumental part, and those damn lyrics are spinning in the room and smashing his head with each note.

Mafuyu already polished it to its best and some parts even reached that fragile perfection Ritsuka always seeks in his songs.

But right now, added to his insecurities, it's simply upsetting and soon, he's plagued with a headache. He knows his fingers are pressing way too tightly on his instrument, strings sinking through his calloused skin.

“Oi, Ue-sama. Care to explain what the hell is with that tempo of yours ?” Akihiko points out with an annoyed frown, at the end of the first rehearsal.

The dark-haired boy raises a provocating eyebrow and his hands clenches further around the dark Telecaster.

“What are you talking about ? It's the usual one.”

“Hell no. You're literally torturing your guitar. I almost feel bad for it.”

Ritsuka lets go of the victimized object by reflex and grunts a half-hearted reply to the drummer.

Sensing some building tension, Haruki immediately suggests to take a break and the two olders left for their usual smoke interlude, leaving the highschoolers alone in the room.

It couldn't be worse.

Ritsuka focuses all his attention into cleaning his guitar, silently wipping the damp sweat he left on the strings.

But unlike him, Mafuyu isn't the kind of guy to give up on some unresolved tension. And there is no way he didn't notice the guitarist's attitude.

“Uenoyama-kun. You seem upset.” He says, matter-of-factly.

When Ritsuka looks up, Mafuyu is fidgeting with the mike's wire, eyes to the ground. “There is something, right ?...”

“Bad day at practice. Guess it happens,” the dark-haired boy lets out in a low mumble.

He's dreaming of the cold shower he will take to cool his head down back at home. Maybe that could help.

“It's the new song.” Mafuyu's voice breaks the silence again. This time, it's not a question, just a fact thrown to his face.

Their eyes meet and Ritsuka isn't fast enough to reply before Mafuyu does it for him.

“You don't like it,” the boy states as his eyes dive down to settle on a random stain dirtying the floor.

He had picked up his red Gibson and is strumming it mindlessly.

And Ritsuka's stupid brain chooses this very moment to remember who was the previous owner of the guitar. Traitorous mind. His jaw clenches and a lump settles on his stomach.

“I didn't say that. It's just that it seems like I can't play along with it for now...”

“Because it's bad ?”

Mafuyu never backs off in a conversation. He never takes any detour. Even more now that he recovered some confidence.

Ritsuka feels cornered and his hands ball into fists.

“Told you I didn't say that already, ok ?”

He wants to storm out of this place and run away before loosing the few control he has over his emotions. The one he previously locked into a box stored in his mind with a tag 'do not open'.

“Then, what is it ?”

Ritsuka stubbornely adverts his eyes and throws his hands in the air.

“Gosh, can't you leave me alone for a sec-”

“Not until you tell me what you're really thinking !” Mafuyu cuts him, his yelling thundering in the small soundproofed room. He's standing and he's holding his ground fiercely. He takes a step ahead and grabs the dark-haired boy's sleeve, keeping him trapped in place. And instantly, what remains of Ritsuka's patience gets blown away. And the box opens. His mouth runs too fast for his brain to catch up as he yanks Mafuyu's hand away.

“Fine. Wanna know ? Those lyrics, they creep me out.”

Obvious lie.

But the words came like a whip cracking the air. And he's taken aback by how his voice sounds calm despite his boiling anger, heavy with unjustified accusation.

Even though, he can't stop himself to add: “Maybe I was expecting something _better_ coming from you _._ ”

He doesn't mean it. Not in that way. It's a stupid shortcut to lash out everything he's feeling and a desperate attempt to run from the conversation. Deep inside, he just feels powerless.

Mafuyu's eyes widen with horrified realization and Ritsuka follows soon after, mirroring the exact same expression.

They're standing there in a dreadful silence looking at each other for what seems like a painful eternity before the door slams open, welcoming back the older bandmates in a contradictory burst of laughter.

From this very moment, Ritsuka's brain shuts off and his body takes over to perform during the rest of the session. They play older songs but the weight inside his chest is so overwhelming he wants to throw up. He's playing like a robot and he can't even remember when the whole session actually ended.

Just that he couldn't dare to look at Mafuyu during all this time.

When his spirits get back to his body, Ritsuka is at home, laying on his bed, face buried in the bedsheets. He must've just slumped on it at some point.

In the end he didn't even take a shower and the sweat running down his back is giving him uncomfortable shivers now.

“I fucked up...” He confesses to the walls of his room, in a muffled whine.

Why does he always have to be so fucking rude ? To overreact everytime ?

He thought it was simple.

He thought he understood the basics.

He figures he was utterly wrong.

If there was any kind of way to be fluent in love he would take a subscription for the full course.

He used to be so proud about being able to handle any challenge with hard-working talent.

But it's not the case here. Two people's feelings are involved, not just his owns.

It's not only about himself. He can't solve this without opening his heart to Mafuyu.

And that means casting his pride aside.

That's something Ritsuka is always struggling to shake off. Because letting his guard down always means being weak, from his point of view.

And being weak is opening the door to being hurt.

Ritsuka swallows an incoming sob and groans against the bed.

What is he even thinking ? Mafuyu would never hurt him. That's ridiculous.

In a swift movement, he extends his hand toward his phone laying on the bedside table and runs his fingers on the screen.

**Are you at home now ? I think we need to talk.**

He presses the send button without double-thinking. Thinking back, maybe he should've make it less blunt. Too late. His phone rings, announcing Mafuyu's reply and his heart skips a beat while his body immediatly rises to a sitting position. So fast.

**Sure.**

That's all. The painful lump is back in Ritsuka's stomach but the need to see the boy right now is stronger than everything else. Even though he doesn't even know what he will say. Nevermind. He will figure something out.

He gets up and almost stumbles across the room, reaching the door. He doesn't hear his sister yelling at him in the hallway. He grabs his coat and makes his way through the darkness of the streets.

It's past ten when he reaches his destination. The lights are on in the house and he's warmly welcomed by the boy's mother.

“He said you would come. Go up, I'll bring you some tea later on.”

And here it is.

Ritsuka is sitting on his knees, facing Mafuyu who's cross-ledged on his bed, a sleeping Kedama curled up at his side. The silence is filling the room and the only thing Ritsuka can focus on is the clock tickling far too loudly for his own sanity.

He wants to tear it from the wall and smash it to the ground but he quickly remembers what he came for. He takes a long breath in. No angry feelings this time.

Gathering his resolve, he clenches his fists and bows before his quiet boyfriend.

“I'm truly sorry for what I said. That was uncalled for. And stupid. I really have no excuse...”

He said it in the best apologetic way he could but he's still scared to hear Mafuyu's next words.

“Do you regret taking me into the band ?”

_Eh ?_

Ritsuka jerks his head up. Mafuyu is staring at his feet, avoiding his boyfriend's eyes.

“What are you even talking about ?”

“I'm not good enough, that's it ?...”

The words hits Ritsuka like a slap on the face.

 _He's_ not good enough ? _That's what he's thinking ?_

_Can't he see it ?_

_He's_ the one giving his best to keep up with their level from the beginning. _He's_ the person who changed the band's fate. _He's_ the one who brightened his world. For god's sake. This is so stupid...

Ritsuka stands up and walks up to the quiet boy who's stubbornly keeping his head down. The bed creaks under his weight and Kedama yelps, offended by the shift of the matress when Ritsuka sits mere inches next to Mafuyu, shoulders brushing.

He takes a deep breath and then exhales it slowly to somehow ease the ache weighing on his chest.

“Truth is... Despite the fact that you're mostly smiling, I feel as if you're still sad inside. The lyrics were good. Amazing, to be honest. But, you know, it's as if... _he_ 's still here. And I don't know how to deal with that...” He trails off and can feel Mafuyu twitch as he speaks. Ritsuka has to swallow again and he bends to rest his forehead on his joined hands.

“It may be a silly thing but... sometimes, I just feel... so powerless.”

Putting it into words makes the whole thing more concrete.

He's actually the one wondering if he's enough.

And that realization kicks in at the same time it does for Mafuyu.

“What do you mean ?...”

“Maybe...” His voice dies but Ritsuka knows he has to say it clearly. There is no point in having this conversation if he can't bring himself to let it all out.

“Maybe I was assuming I wasn't making you happy enough. That I was... a bad boyfriend.”

Even though the words had almost strangled him, once they were out, he feels much more lighter. The knot in his stomach loosens a bit and he takes the opportunity to glance at his boyfriend.

To his surprise, Mafuyu is facing him, amber eyes shining in the light with restrained tears as they finally look at each other properly for the first time in a while.

“That... that's what was bothering you ?” He says, voice breaking at the edges.

Ritsuka's heart drops in his stomach. “Well... Yes...”

Mafuyu blinks the surprise away and his expression softens. He leans slowly toward his partner and lets his forehead drop against Ritsuka's shoulder in a soft bump.

“I'm relieved. So relieved...” He says in a long shuddering sigh.

Ritsuka freezes, unsure of how to interpret that behaviour.

“Wh-”

“Uenoyama-kun.” Mafuyu cuts him off. He rubs his cheek against the fabric of Ritsuka's shirt spreading some of his warmth all over the place.

“The lyrics I'm writing won't change anything to the feelings I actually have for you, you know ?”

_Yes, he knows it, deep inside. Still..._

“It's just that...” Mafuyu carries on, “I still need to sort out some... issues. And, I don't know how to do it besides pouring them into music. It's like an outlet.”

Ritsuka can actually understanding this. He can relate to the sensation of being emptied of all negative energy after a performance. Leaving you all cleansed and floating in numbness. Something he failed to achieve last time. And for Mafuyu, it's like therapy.

A minute passes, where none of them talk, before Mafuyu opens his mouth again.

“And, to go back to the earlier subject, yes... I'm still thinking about him sometimes, it's true. I'm sorry if that hurts you. But, _you_ are my boyfriend now. And I hope you realize how much you mean to me. Because you really saved me from hell. So, I would like to keep playing and singing alongside with you. As long as possible. It's everything I need now. You're you. Not just some random substitute. Your presence is irreplaceable.” There is a hint of amusement when he adds: “Well, that stands until you're totally fed up with me that is.”

Ritsuka feels his vision getting slightly blurred as relief finally floods inside him, slowly killing his doubts.

His shoulders slumps as he shifts to the side, making his boyfriend's head slip from his support. His hands rise to squeeze Mafuyu's face before he could move too far away from him, lifting up his face to look into his amber eyes.

“That will never happen, you idiot...”

A tiny blush spreads on Mafuyu's squished cheeks and Ritsuka's heart speeds up at the sight.

“I will help you with this song. I promise,” he says, loosening his grip to gently cup his face. A thumb is brushing the skin under Mafuyu's eye.

“And it will be a total blast !” He grins smuggly. His chest puffs with pride.

Mafuyu can't help but giggling back. His breath sweeps across Ritsuka's skin when he speaks his next words.

“I love you, Uenoyama-kun.”

Although it's an evidence, the words pools inside his body, spreading fuzzy sparks into his brain and butterflies in his stomach. He leans into Mafuyu's face, and when their lips brushes, he whispers softly against them.

“I love you too.”

Then, he pushes his chin forward, swallowing the warm air hanging between them and sighs through his nose when Mafuyu meets him halfway. The boys hands are gripping his shirt around his chest and Ritsuka whishes he would never let go. He closes his eyes and focus himself on the boy's soft mouth. The kiss is gentle, almost shy, but warm enough for them to melt into each other.

When they parts, eyes fluttering open, Ritsuka brushes his knuckles against the boy's face, tracing the edge of his jaw. Mafuyu hums contently, indulging in the touch. He seems relaxed and puffs out a laugh.

“You know, I think you're doing a great job, for a first relationship.”

Ritsuka squeaks awkwardly, his voice far too high-pitched for his own liking when he says: “H-How do you know it's my f-first ?”

Mafuyu tilts his head to the side, puzzled.

“Well, it shows ?” He points out. “Don't worry, it's quite cute actually.”

“C-cute ?!” Ritsuka sputters, now totally aware of the mad blush spreading on his whole face.

Mafuyu laughs quietly and buries instantly his head into the crook of Ritsuka's neck, his arms snaking around his boyfriend's middle leaving him completely hopeless for any argument.

Then he's giggling again and the delightful sound rings all the way to Ritsuka's ear.

Well, maybe things aren't as easy as he thought they would be. And some wounds were taking more time to heal.

But their mutual feelings are strong enough to overtake the pain. They will figure it out, slowly.

They have all the time in the world.

And one day, Mafuyu's head will be filled with so many good feelings he would spoil them with cheery songs. Thinking about it suddenly makes Ritsuka grin like a fool. Nope, maybe it would be a little weird after all...

One thing is sure: Ritsuka will do whatever it take so that smile wouldn't leave his boyfriend's face. As long as Mafuyu can still laugh wholeheartly, pressing lovingly against him like this, he would consider himself on the right path.

“Mafuyu ?”

“Uhm ?”

“How about going for a walk to the beach next Sunday ?”

Ritsuka can feel his boyfriend smiling against his shoulder.

“Way too cold in this season. How about some movies at my place instead ?”

The idea spreads a warm and comfort sensation across his body as he pictures them wrapped in a cocoon of blankets. His lips curl up.

It seems appealing enough. Whatever the place, Ritsuka is good with anything as long as they're together.

“I kinda like the idea.” He says and lets his head fall against the top of Mafuyu's soft hair.

_Yeah. Let's make new memories together. Some more you will never forget. And some you will be happy to recall._

**Author's Note:**

> Phew. Dealing with heavy feelings is hard, mostly when you're this young but, well, those boys are damn strong and so clumsily in love.
> 
> Looking forward to your thoughts and wishing you a good day, fellow Given friend !
> 
> \- Berry ([Tumblr](https://berrynthewood.tumblr.com/) / [Twitter](https://twitter.com/berrynthewood/))


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